Dear Rita Skeeter
by EnchantedUnicorn
Summary: One meeting with Rita Skeeter starts a chain of humorous events… that eventually causes Voldemort's own demise. One-shot!


**Dear Rita Skeeter**

 **By EnchantedUnicorn**

* * *

 _One meeting with Rita Skeeter starts a chain of humorous events… that eventually causes Voldemort's own death._

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

 _Hogwarts:_

All the Horcruxes were destroyed. Yes, even the one in his head, miraculously. Now he just had one more thing left to do…

 _Dear Rita Skeeter,_

 _Would you please come to Hogwarts today at precisely 8 pm? I have something that I want to be printed on_ The Daily Prophet _A.S.A.P. Meet me on the third floor, second door to the right. I will be expecting you._

 _-Harry Potter, 7_ _th_ _year._

"Here you go, girl," Harry said softly, tying the letter firmly yet not too tightly onto his owl's leg. "Bring this to Rita Skeeter, will you?" Hedwig hooted in acquiescent.

Normally, Harry would never ask help from the beetle, much less a meeting with her. But this was important. The more people who viewed this, the better.

* * *

Later that day, Harry waited patiently for the familiar blue beetle to come scuttling in. _Finally_ , he thought gleefully as the insect crawled in. It quickly transformed into a woman – that annoying woman who he knew as Rita Skeeter.

"Thank you for coming," Harry forced out. "Now, may I request that you use a _regular_ quill for this? And for you to handwrite everything." When Skeeter seemed hesitant to do so, Harry ground out, "Or else a _certain_ secret about a _certain_ beetle might come out." This was of vital importance, and sometimes intimidation was necessary.

"Now I want you to copy what I say, word by word, do you understand?"

Rita Skeeter's yes gleamed in acknowledgment and eagerness as she prepared herself for what _the_ Harry Potter was about to tell her.

* * *

The next day, hundreds of owls swooped down into the Great Hall, each carrying a copy of the Daily Prophet.

 ** _Death Eaters must submit to Dumbledore or submit to their fate!_**

 _Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, split his soul into seven pieces, called Horcruxes. That was how he became immortal. But now, each and every one of those Horcruxes have been destroyed. Voldemort is now as mortal as everyone else is! And at precisely 8 a.m. today, he will die, because Harry Potter through his scar connection with Voldemort will possess him to drown. Voldemort himself, after all, was a half-blood. All those who bear the Dark Mark will die too. Their heirs will not be spared either afterwards. The Wizarding World will then thrive without any pureblood supremacists, and would only consist of what people call "Blood Traitors" and "Mudbloods"! Those terms are unjust – everyone is created equal! If you wished to be spared, Albus Dumbledore might have mercy on you and take off the Dark Mark. He has already done so for the former Death Eater Severus Snape!_

Gasps ran out from the Slytherin table.

"This is preposterous," Draco Malfoy sneered. "I will not have anyone with the Malfoy name bow down to a hypocrite and then die because of it. Seems like _Mudbloods,_ as _the Dark Lord_ says, are not as bad as they seem. I must inform my father at once." He stomped away from the Great Hall, breakfast only half eaten.

Beside him, other Slytherins stood and marched up towards the owlery also.

Up at the staff table, Snape ground out, "No such thing had happened to me. And no such thing shall happen to anyone."

"Harry does have the best ideas sometimes," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I must take of your Dark Mark. We wouldn't want you to die along with Voldemort, now would we?"

"Death Eaters do not die when the Dark Lord dies," Snape hissed.

"Oh, you wouldn't know. Voldemort has never died before, now has he?" Dumbledore smiled benignly.

"I suppose so… do you know of a spell?" Snape asked gruffly.

"I'm sure Harry does," Dumbledore said once again in that overconfident voice. He walked over the boy at the Gryffindor table and stayed there for a few moments before walking back.

"Now let's see…" Hissing sounds were emitted with a wave of his wand.

"What the – OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Snape yelled, clutching his left forearm in pain.

"Well, is it gone?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape checked, "Yes _sir_ it is. What was that bloody spell?"

Chuckling, Dumbledore replied, "Oh it wasn't a spell, it was just intimidation in Parseltongue. I believe Harry told me that it translates to, _Go away evil spirit, for I am Harry Potter, the Chosen One of the Light, and you will die if you do not leave. So GO AWAY!_ "

Snape spluttered, "That arrogant brat!"

"Well he just saved your life!"

"Great, now I have a life debt to _Harry bloody Potter,_ " he pouted.

"Sometimes I doubt your loyalty, Severus," Dumbledore sighed. "Oh and you saved his life before, remember? So no life debt."

Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall flung open and in stomped a mass of angry Slytherin. "Our fathers are not within the manors," Malfoy growled.

"They are outside the gates of Hogwarts," Harry stated in a calm voice as he inspected his fingernails, his voice amplified with a Sonorous Charm.

Dumbledore rose and left. After a few minutes, he came with hundreds of Death Eaters trailing behind him, all of their hands locked in a pair of handcuffs.

"What people can do when their hands are restricted," Dumbledore sighed. "The wonders of Muggle tools."

"Please Headmaster!" Malfoy Senior cried out. "Have mercy! We no longer follow Voldemort! We have realized that even Muggleborns and Half-bloods are equal to us!"

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Dumbledore looked pointedly at the handcuffs.

"And Muggles too!" Malfoy Senior hastily added. Around him, all the Death Eaters shouted in agreement.

"Oh all right!" Dumbledore waved his wand again.

The same hissing sound came out of his wand. All the Death Eaters screamed out in anguish. Afterwards however, they all fell to their knees. "Thank you, Lord of the Light!"

Harry frowned, thinking that the Death Eaters were getting off rather too easily. "One more thing guys!" In parseltongue, he hissed out: _"_ _Magic, go away! Go away now! These creatures hate you and will kill you if you do not leave!"_

The Death Eaters screamed again as their body erupted in pain. "What did you do?" Malfoy Senior yelled.

Harry shrugged, "I just told Magic to leave you. Y'all are just Squibs now."

Looks of horror crossed each and every one Death Eaters face. Mirror expressions appeared on all the Slytherins too.

"Oh don't worry," Harry smiled. "My dear Draky the rest of your heirs are unharmed. I spared them."

* * *

 _Riddle Manor:_

"Milord, milord!" Bellatrix Lestrange came rushing in, a copy of _The Daily Prophet_ in her hand.

"Calm down Bellatrix," Voldemort hissed. "Now, you know that I do not waste my time reading gossip."

"This is of utmost importance!" Lestrange whispered urgently.

Voldemort growled, "You are my inferior, remember that, Bellatrix. And no." Before he could say anything else, though, the newspaper was shoved right into his face. "What the…" Voldemort read through the article. "NO! This cannot be true." Concentrating, he summoned all his followers.

"I'm here, milord," Bellatrix humbly dropped to her knees. Voldemort waited for one minute, then two, then three, then four, then five…

"Perhaps the wards have blocked them!" Voldemort panicked, running out the door.

In his haste, he accidentally stepped on one of the trap doors that he had always warned his Death Eaters not to step on. He dropped into water with a loud _splash_ as the trap door slammed down. Panicking, he attempted to do wandless magic, forgetting that anti-magic runes prevented such things from happening. _NO!_ was Voldemort's last thought as his soul began traveling to limbo.

* * *

 _Hogwarts:_

"May I make an announcement, Headmaster?" Harry murmured.

"Of course Harry." Dumbledore's eyes sparkled curiously.

Harry cast an Amplifying charm. "Voldemort is dead now! He drowned. No, not by me. He just stepped onto his own trap door and died! Three cheers to Voldemort for saving the day!" Harry declared.

The entire student and staff body burst into applause as Harry Potter lifted a goblet of butterbeer, forever honoring the Dark Lord's own stupidity.

* * *

 _The next day:_

 _ **Bellatrix Lestrange found dead in Riddle Manor!**_

 _With Voldemort finally dead, the wards around Riddle Manor have fallen. Lucius Malfoy, a former Death Eater but now Squib, was sent to investigate. Just beside the trap door that Voldemort had died in, Bellatrix Lestrange's body was found, which proves that those with the Dark Mark die along with their Master. In Lestrange Manor, Rodolphus Lestrange was also found dead. Barty Crouch Jr. is also reported deceased, among a few other Death Eaters! The only remaining former Death Eater but still wizard is Severus Snape!_

 _For more information on Voldemort, go to page 2.  
For more information on the Malfoys, go to page 3.  
For more information on the Lestranges, go to page 4.  
For more information on Severus Snape, go to page 5._

Dumbledore grinned as he peered at the article through his eyeglasses. "You seem pretty popular in _The_ _Daily Prophet_. Well anyway, I suppose it's a good thing that we took your Dark Mark off, isn't it?"

Snape sighed. "I suppose so."

* * *

 **A/N: Just something that has been dancing around in my head...** **Hope you enjoyed!**


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